A Revelation

What a journey I am on right now with the Lord.  The Lord has been for the past few years working on my heart showing me how much importance I place on my friendships especially being included and accepted.  Instead of listening to His gentle nudges I needed a two-by-four hitting me over the head.  The two-by-four was my idols.  The root of it was a fear of rejection. The Lord used two of my closest friends (or those friends that I gave of myself to the most) to bring that to the light.  It came to a culmination a couple of weekends ago--  my revelation.

What is an Idol:
Anything that consumes our thoughts is an idol.
Anything we desire with all our heart is an idol.
Anything we love more than the Lord is an idol.
Anything we can't live without is an idol.
Anything we get our significance from is an idol.
People, possessions, and positions can become an idol.

What  does Fear of Rejection Look Like:
Needing to be included.
Fear that someone doesn't like or love you if you are not included.
A people pleaser.
Not able to say no.
Conforming to worldly standards.

When I look over my life, I have always longed for acceptance by people starting with my brother.  I can see that it stems from being raised by parents who were not able to emotionally connect. So, what has happened is I always longed for that emotional connection with others. That need as a child was never met.  Over the years what that looked like was a brother who didn't connect with me, relationships with men who were emotionally not available or needing to be fixed, and now friendships that are painful. I also tend to be co-dependent hence the type relationships I attract.  I give 110% to my friendships especially emotionally and when it's not returned it's painful especially when those friendships are idols. Through that pain though, my need for the Lord is clear.  He wants my all.  I've been giving myself to those who aren't worthy.  Only He is worthy!

What the Lord has revealed too is that all people will fall short and disappoint.  No one is capable of perfect love except Him.  His perfect love casts out all fears. I have truly lost track of Him along the journey though. As a matter of fact, I don't even like who I've become.  We become what we pursue.  I don't like my reactions (hurting people hurt people comes to mind),  my neediness on others, the fact that others are not seeing Him more than me, my inside thoughts, and that I've become a stumbling block to others.  I have turned my friends that were once a blessing into a burden because they became idols.

The Lord Talking to Me:
I have a small group that meets once a week. We were going to start a new study, but decided to wait until the following week.  It was that weekend before the start of our new study that I had my revelation. It was a dear friend who counseled me to see that my friendships had become idols. I was ready to accept that because it was so painfully obvious. My friend sent me a song that ministered to my deepest pain and it was all about idols. The morning we started  our  new study I was listening to this song and prayed for the Lord to give me an opportunity to play this song if He willed. Wouldn't you know, the lesson was all about idols.  How sweet the Lord is! What amazing timing too! Had the message been before the weekend, it probably would have been just another great lesson.  However, being that the lesson came after the weekend, it was confirmation.

It was never about my friends or not being equally yoked which is what I thought  was the problem over the past few years, but it's been about me. About me seeking Him first for my love and acceptance. I need to be filled up with Him and His truths then I won't have unrealistic expectations of others. Others who are not able to even meet those expectations ever. If we try to get our significance outside of His will, then we will never be truly fulfilled.  Oh how quickly that once blessing can turn into a burden if we force it to fulfill us.

Over the past week, I've had divine appointments with others to discuss the revelations I am having.  Praise the Lord for the many confirmations of what He is showing me through  those conversations. I love how He uses the Body of Christ to minister to us.

I pray I do not backslide. I pray that I will decrease and He will increase. I pray that I will lay my friends at the cross.